


My Only Friend

by British_CupOfTea



Category: Blackadder
Genre: Best Friends, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24047701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/British_CupOfTea/pseuds/British_CupOfTea
Summary: Edmund is of need of a date or Queenie will have his head.Percy conjours up a brilliant plan to help Edmund but things seem to go for the worse.
Relationships: Edmund Blackadder/Percy Percy
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	My Only Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I don't expect this to get much attention or anyone to read it really. I love this show so much and I thought this would be hilarious.

Edmund sat at the table, head in hands. He had been invited to dinner with Queenie, which was the worst thing that could possibly happen. He had told her he had a date, which was sadly not true.

“Baldrick!” He grumbled.

Baldrick stumbled through the door, turnip in hand, “Yes my lord?”

“I don’t suppose you know any ‘pretty’ women?” He looked up with a glum expression.

Baldrick stared at him and then held out the turnip, “This looks like a very pretty lady, my lord.”

“That’s a turnip.” 

“Oh..” He inspected it a little, “I didn’t notice my lord.” He bit into it, raw.

“You are utterly useless.” He grumbled to himself.

“Edmund! Edmund!” Percy came flying into the room, a wide grin across his face.

“Oh yippee.” He sarcastically responded to Percy’s presence. 

“Edmund! You’re not going to believe it!”

“What is it, Percy?” He rolled his eyes.

“Look!” He held out a toad that had a tiny ball of paper on his head, “isn’t he beautiful?!”

“Percy, what in the devil’s name is wrong with you?” He stood up and stared at it, “take it out before it gets loose.” He fled the room, angrily.

“What’s wrong with Edmund?” Percy turned to Baldrick who was standing admiring the toad.

“I dunno. He wanted me to find him a pretty woman though. I suggested this,” he showed Percy the half eaten turnip, “It turns out this is a turnip.”

“It’s very attractive though..” Percy nodded, “Why does Edmund need a pretty woman?”

“I dunno, you ask him. I’m going to go eat this turnip. Do you want me to take your toad with me? So he doesn’t get more angry?” Baldrick poked the toad slightly.

“Uh okay.” Percy picked it up with his left hand and placed it in Baldrick’s spare.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Percy found Edmund sat on the side of his bed, deep in thought.

“Edmund.. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t seem to find a single beautiful woman in this... blasted country!”

“I can try. If you want. I am your friend.” Percy waddled over.

“Knock yourself out.” He grumbled and threw himself down on the bed.

“Why do you need one anyway?”

“I told Her Majesty, I had a date and she wants to see her.” 

Percy stood staring at him and then walked back out, he needed to find a beautiful woman for Edmund. The only snag was the fact he didn’t know any beautiful women, obviously he had had girlfriends but none of them lasted and they certainly were not beautiful. One even turned out to be a man he thought was a woman. Hold on… That was it! Percy ran for the gardens and slammed into the door, “oh yeah.” He opened it and walked out to find Baldrick.

“Baldrick!” He called as he ran towards him.

“Yes, my other lord?” Baldrick turned to look at him, turnip in mouth and toad in hands.

“I know how we’re going to find Edmund a date!”

“You do?”

“Yes! I shall be his date!”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“Yes.. but I won’t be me. I shall be dressed up as a ‘beautiful’ woman.” Percy grinned.

“That’s a brilliant idea, my other lord!” Baldrick opened his mouth and the turnip fell out, he put the toad on the ground and turned back to Percy, “How are we gonna do that?”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Percy stood in his room, surrounded by a few of the Queen’s makeup artists and dressers, they tightly put a corset on him and pulled out a long and elegant gown. 

“Oh you shall look lovely, Lord Percy. This will be one of my favourite favours, ever!” The one tying his corset spoke. They stuffed a few shirts to make his bust bigger, so he would look more female. They managed to find a wig of smooth, long brown hair. It suited Percy rather well and they applied his makeup with care and precision. He looked up at himself in the mirror, but the reflection looking back wasn’t himself.

He stood staring for a bit. It was almost as if he really was this woman.

“Your name is Lady Esmeralda Davies. You are visiting from Devon.” The woman who had put a wig on his head stood, hands on hips, “Remember that.” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edmund adjusted his ruffle collar so it was no longer strangling him, what was he meant to say to Queenie? Oh sorry I just LIED so you would leave me alone but turns out you’re even more curious than before... and you want to see her nose? The door flung open and Baldrick strode in proudly. “Baldrick.. What on earth was that for?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Lady Esmeralda Davies!” He grinned and bowed, his left arm extending to the doorway. A woman with long brown hair entered, her blue eyes fluttered and she blushed, her small but sweet lips smiled and she curtsied. Baldrick actually found an attractive woman.

Edmund went a shade of pink and bowed. “My lady, what do I owe the honour of such a beautiful woman?” He took her hand and kissed it.

“I am visiting from Devon and a dear old friend of mine told me you were desperately in need of a date.” Her voice was high and very feminine. 

“I must thank this friend of yours. Who are they?”

“Lord Percy Percy.” She smiled, sweetly. 

Edmund tried to hide the horrified expression on his face, Percy had such a lovely lady friend and had never told him about her before? “I shall thank him. The next time I see him.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Queenie had taken a strong dislike to ‘Esmeralda’. She kept asking her awkward questions and even threatened to cut off her head if she didn’t answer them.

Edmund kept his fingers intertwined with ‘Esmeralda’s’ the whole time. She was so beautiful, he couldn’t wait to get that dress off and fornicate with her. The things he would do to her. 

Percy was starting to enjoy being this beautiful woman, everyone treated him with respect and didn’t shout at him every five minutes AND Edmund, his best friend, was happy. That made Percy happy, to see him smile. The night seemed to fly by and they had such an amazing time, they danced together, ate and drank together. At one point, when they had managed to escape the crowd and had gone into an empty room, the pair had snogged. Percy had seemed to forget he WAS Percy and not Esmeralda by that point. He was enjoying it all. That was, until they got back to Edmund’s house.

“My darling, would you mind if I… stripped you?” A grin appeared across Edmund’s face.

Percy went bright red, he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t speak. 

“My lady.” He took Percy’s hand and got on one knee, “I know I have only met you once but will you marry me? I love you.” He spoke poetically.

“I erm… uh…” He wasn’t prepared for this and he had had a bit too much wine, “Uhm yes?”

Edmund grabbed him, held him and kissed him, “to bed, my dear?”

“N-- No.. It’s a sin to fornicate.. Before marriage.” He spluttered.

“I completely understand, I shall show you to the guest bedroom.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A week later)

“Baldrick, What am I going to do?!” Percy cried out as he adjusted the wedding veil.

“I dunno, my lady.” He shrugged.

“You aren’t helping!” 

“Tell him who you are?” 

“Erm.. How? How do I tell a man, who is besotted with me, that I am actually his ‘best mate’?”

Baldrick paused and thought a little.. If he could and then shrugged again. 

“Oh god..”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Any objections?” The pastor looked around the room.

“Uhm.. Yes actually.” Percy raised his hand and the whole room gasped.

“But-- But you’ve just said your vows!” Edmund cried out in shock.

“Edmund.. I can’t keep this going any longer.” He sighed and pulled off the veil and wig. He wiped his arm over his face and attempted to take off the makeup he was wearing.

“Percy?!” Edmund stumbled backwards, “No no no.. This is just a dream.” Everyone was staring in shock.

“I’m really sorry Edmund.. I.. I did it for you!”

“Get the hell away from me!” Edmund screamed at him.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edmund stared at Percy, who was sat at the other end of the table, makeup removed but the dress still on. How did this happen?

“I’m so sorry Edmund…” He said quietly.

“What were you thinking?!” 

Percy stood up abruptly, “I did it because you were upset and I didn’t want the Queen to behead you for being a liar.” Sadness broke his voice, he broke into sobs and slumped back down, “You’re my best friend… My only friend… Besides Baldrick of course.. I just didn’t want to see you upset!”

Edmund put his hand over his mouth and stared at Percy, “You did all that.. For me?”

“Of course!”

He felt as if he'd been hit in the chest, he was breathless. “You, Lord Percy Percy, are the most ridiculous and idiotic man I have ever met but you still remain to be one of the most pure hearted.” he sighed.

Percy stood up and flung his arms around him, he sobbed and cried.

“Now make yourself scarce before I take back what I said. This never happened. We will never talk of this again.” 

“Agreed.” Percy composed himself and left.

Edmund stared at the closed door. Percy was a good kisser, though.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments are always apreciated :)


End file.
